Law & Order?

The stout, mustachioed traffic police are one of Mumbai’s many iconic features. If they are not standing in the middle of busy junctions trying to enforce order on the city traffic, they are sitting in the shade or talking on their mobile phones. As the elections approach, rising crime and police conduct mean that the police are facing the glare of the political spotlight once again.
Following the 26/11 terrorist attacks, Mumbai’s police force faced major criticism, and rightly so. In the aftermath of the bombings, reports surfaced that when the shooting started, rather than spring to the defence of helpless citizens, many of the city’s finest literally turned and fled.

Even today, the sheer flood of people using CST (the railway station where most people died during 26/11) means that the metal detectors and 4 officers assigned to carry out random searches on those entering the building  just don’t happen.

Those of you who’ve read Maximum City will know that the police in Mumbai do not exactly have a squeaky clean reputation. Before 26/11, it was common to be stopped and fined for all manner of “traffic offences” during the last 10 days of each month – round about the time when wages run out. For a couple of weeks after the attacks, the police were on best behaviour, enforcing the rules and arresting those attempting to bribe their way out of tickets.

Just yesterday, I saw a policeman deliver a hearty slap across the face to a motorcyclist at the side of the road who was arguing against the fine he was about to receive. Friends of ours caught driving in the city without a licence bribed a traffic officer to let them go. Friends of friends allegedly bribed a judge to get out of serving time at the city’s infamous Arthur Road jail. Drink driving might have been a national sport in Belgium but this is a whole new world. It is disturbing how quickly we as expats have come to accept this as normal and relish the tales of how arrest was avoided.

The Times of India reported today that for every policeman in India, there are 739 citizens. The UN recommended norm is one per every 450 citizens. A poll by the Times reveals that 35% of the population across 10 of India’s major cities believe that “the police inspire fear in the common man and confidence in criminals”. A whopping 74% believe that politicians work with the police to help protect criminals.

Yet despite all this, I’ve never felt remotely unsafe in the city. Overwhelmed, certainly, and definitely alarmed when crowds suddenly materialise to gawk at the goras. Perhaps we’ve been lucky. Perhaps, as expats, we just exist in a different world.

Karma Sutra Revisited

Reading an English-language newspaper in India is often frustrating. Even the most respected broadsheets are gossipy and tabloid in tone. I should know, I am a media snob and magazine addict.

Take for example this cliché-ridden gem from the top story in the Times of India last year:
“The gloves were off as the UPA and the Opposition squared off for the July 22 trust vote with the numbers still too close to call and both sides resorting to snatch-and-dash tactics to poach rival MPs, escalating in a ding-dong battle marked by desperate deal-making and breathtaking brinkmanship.”

But it is not all bad. My favourite part of the Mumbai Mirror (a Times of India publication) is a column called “Ask The Sexpert” which I read religiously every day. It is both hysterical and deeply disturbing, exposing, as it does, the depth of ignorance about sex that continues to exist here.

Nevermind the Karma Sutra, reading the inquiries that come in makes it all the more unbelievable that Maharastra (the state where Mumbai is located) has outlawed sex education in schools citing the dangerous potential for moral corruption.

Before you check it out for yourselves, a few of my favourite letters and answers:

I am planning to kiss my girlfriend’s lips without her permission. Can this lead to an infection? She has had sex with another man.

It will lead to either a slap on your face or her enjoying the experience. No other problems.

My husband insists on using tooth paste for lubrication while having sex. Can this prove to be harmful?

If it can clean your teeth, it could help your vagina as well. Why not present him with a tube of KY Jelly for better lubrication? Also, ask him to prolong the foreplay so that you are better lubricated.

What can be the methods of increasing the size of the penis? Also, I am curious to know what are the pleasure points for women when it comes to oral sex. Lastly, please tell me whether dandruff is a symptom for HIV/AIDS.

There are no easy and successful ways to increase the size of the penis. All around the vulva, particularly the clitoris, are a woman’s pleasure points. And dandruff is not a symptom of HIV/AIDS.

Whenever I see a woman wearing flowers in her hair, I get sexually excited. I sometimes buy flowers, smell them and masturbate. I am so fond of this habit, I can’t control myself whenever I see a woman with flowers. Please help me get rid of this.

If that is what makes you happy, carry on. You might stop when you run short of money to buy flowers. When you marry, I am sure your wife will love the gesture.

I am 24 years old, yet I have had no experience of sex. Recently I have started liking my neighbour. She is my friend’s sister-in-law and a mother of two. I am in her good books. Is my affinity towards her wrong?

Haven’t you heard of The Ten Commandments in Christianity? One of them says “Thou shall not covet your neighbour’s wife”. I suggest you follow this to avoid complications.

I am 22 years old. My girlfriend is a year older than me. Is it necessary to have a younger girlfriend? Will it cause problems in our sex life after marriage? What’s the permissable age difference among couples?

You won’t have any problem. Love surpasses all. Age difference up to five years is common.

I am 21 years old. I had sex with my girlfriend. However, we had our clothes on. Can she get pregnant by any chance? We first had sex on the fifth day of her periods, then after five days and then yet again a week later. I didn’t use any protection. She has missed her periods. Please help.

What help can I give? With clothes on, there’s no way for the sperms to gain entry to the vagina. Hence, there is no chance of pregnancy.

And one from today’s paper which must count as one of the best uses of the word “squirting” ever:

I am a 40-year-old man and my partner is 34. We enjoy an extrememly healthy sex life. During foreplay or oral sex, she squirts excessively due to which the bed gets extremely wet. Mostly, we laugh it off. Is there any way of controlling it? She doesn’t know why this happens.

She experiences excessive lubrication as she gets highly aroused. Continue laughing and accept it as part of the pleasure.

Enjoy!

http://www.mumbaimirror.com/index.aspx?page=section&sectid=17&sectxslt=

Wife School Lesson For The Day: Driving in Mumbai in a car with absolutely no mirrors is a blessing in disguise. In this instance, ignorance is bliss.