China in your hands

From all the discussions and debates that expats have amongst themselves here and because I love sweeping generalisations, I thought I’d share the consensus that there are 4 kinds of “China hands” here in Beijing:

The Long-termers: normally bitter, fluent and not going anywhere fast – often the kind of person who would not fit in anywhere else in the world.

The Could-Be-Anywheres: those who make no attempt to fit in to China at all; don’t bother to learn the language; keep a driver to avoid public transport but have a great expat life.

The Starting Outers: college kids with identikit backgrounds coming for an “experience” to put on their CVs and to wait out the recession. This includes vast numbers of ABCs and CBCs (American born Chinese, Canadian born Chinese).

The Over-Its: those who have been here for a while, learned the language, tried to understand the culture but who are tired of it all and just want to head home.

Perhaps Google are in the latter category? The announcement they are considering pulling out of China has been received with equal measures of admiration and scepticism. Personally I think it was a crazy move to begin with, given the required rules of operation here are completely at odds with the company’s raison d’etre. I will not miss the Great Firewall of China at all and can only hope expats and others continue to be able to access VPN services as the government continues its crackdown of the internet.It’s definitely become much harder to do things on the internet since we arrived here 9 months ago.

Is the move by Google really a result of a new round of cyber attacks targeting those involved in human rights? Or has the company realised that the cost of doing business here at the moment is just too high? Read all about it here and here and decide for yourselves.

Chasing Cars

Anyone who followed my Indian driving experiences, will no doubt be as bemused as Mr B to learn that I have every intention of finding a way to drive in China too. I figure as a late starter, I can make up in obscure locations and languages what I’ve missed in actual driving hours (and ability).

This means I will either have to go through the whole training, theory and test again in Beijing or a miracle will happen and on return to Mumbai in a few weeks, I will actually be able to pick up my license from nice 3 star officer and “only” have to pass the Chinese theory test to get going. Those of you familiar with driving in Mumbai will be pleased to know that Beijing looks like a doddle by comparison (people almost always stay in the designated lanes! They signal more! They honk less! The roads are almost pot-hole free! They don’t respect pedestrian rights here either!)

As luck would have it, I’ve become hooked on a local Beijing TV show called Traffic Light.

Given that I understand only one word out of every 250,000 spoken by the serious traffic policeman presenter and his glamorous co-host (whose role seems to be nothing more than to stare at him and nod seriously), I’m inferring that it is a mix of live traffic updates from around the city (underlines the serious number of CCTV cameras here) and lectures against bad driving.

Glamorous co-host, stern policeman

My favourite part of the show is when the cop reviews CCTV footage of various, often drink-related, accidents and general bad driving behaviour. He proceeds to show step-by-step the exact cause of the malhappenstances. All the time using one of those pens used by sports presenters who are trying to appear knowledgeable to highlight the various sins of the drivers. Trust me, the makers of The World’s Worst Drivers will have plenty to choose from in Beijing.

Highlights include:

• The wedding party, complete with 4 limousines, that stopped on the highway to take advantage of a pretty strip of grass and take some photos of their special day.
• The car on one of the city’s major ring roads during the evening rush hour, driving in the middle lane, inexplicably at 30mph with its hazard lights on. The cop then somberly cut to pictures of the 4-mile tailback this caused. Some kind of stern lecture ensued.
• The baijiu loving truck driver who careened across 3 lanes of highway at 2AM, got stuck on the central reservation barrier and who, by sheer persistance, managed to free the cab of his truck and drive off. Some kind of stern lecture ensued.
• Live coverage of the car that rammed into the back of another car so hard that the front car ended up on the roof of the car that rammed it.  The cops on the ground were at a loss as to how to proceed for a good 20 mins. Eventually the tow-truck driver who had been summoned to the scene decided to reverse slowly and dislodged the offending vehicle. The drivers of both cars stood on the kerb smoking.

Superb!

Alternate World View

Yesterday was a strange day. Lots of people wearing red arm-bands on the streets and police vans and blacked out cars. Everyone very purposefully going about their business. The BBC channel had no sound, CNBC blacked out whenever the Tiananmen report came on and CNN had a time lag.

This morning there was the official response in the official English language paper (China Daily). I thought I’d share it just as an illustration of how these things are dealt with here:

China yesterday expressed deep dissatisfaction and resolute opposition to US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s remarks on the 20th anniversary of the events of June 4.

“As to the political turmoil and problems that happened in the late 1980s, the Communist Party of China and the Chinese government have already made a clear conclusion,” Foreign Ministry spokesman Qin Gang said at a regular press conference in response to a question about a statement released by Clinton on Wednesday.

He said China had made great advances in economic and social development since the country began its reforms and opened up 30 years ago.

Facts had proven that the path of socialism with Chinese characteristics suited the national conditions of China, complied with the fundamental interests of the overwhelming majority of the Chinese people, and reflected the aspirations of all Chinese people, Qin said.

The remarks from the US disregarded the facts and made random accusations against the Chinese government, Qin said, adding that Clinton’s comments violated basic norms governing international relations and principles set forth in the three China-US joint communiques, and grossly interfered with China’s internal affairs.

“We urge the US to put aside its political prejudices and correct its wrong-doings so as to avoid interfering with and damaging Sino-US relations,” Qin said.

Silence Is Golden?

It’s now been a month since we moved to Beijing. Slowly but surely things are getting less weird and more familiar. I’m mostly looking the right way when I cross the road, the chopstick skills are coming along and I’ve enrolled in Mandarin classes three mornings a week.

Other things are also making themselves clearer: namely the way in which the domestic media reports and how issues are debated in public.

First, there is the subtle wording and the way in which modernity is automatically assumed to be the best option. For example, a report on how an ethnic minority group, previously nomads, are being moved into villages carried a comment from the local party official who stated it would be “less hassle” for the group to give up its ancient way of life.

Secondly, there is the radio silence around events the government considers in some way embarrassing. For example, the accidental destruction of Beijing’s Television Cultural Centre in February. Or the real number of schoolchildren who died in last year’s massive earthquake in Sichuan. Or the upcoming anniversary of the Tiananmen Square demonstrations (the BBC has a great articlehere).

I can already tell that watching how other foreigners deal with this, especially  when it’s in an official capacity, is going to become a favourite sport for me.

A group from the US Congress impressively lost no opportunity to slip in references to God and democracy while discussing climate change at a conference last week.  At the closing dinner US Senator John Kerry learnt to his cost that it does not do to ignore the Chinese way of doing things. Unable to resist the opportunity to lecture China on the need to act swiftly on clean energy, Kerry abandoned his prepared speech and spoke without notes for more than 40 minutes, way more than the alloted 15 minutes. His Chinese counter-part, not to be outdone and to keep face and maintain status as the natural superior to the American, spoke for an hour, also without notes. The outcome was that the audience, including Mr B and I,  were reduced to a state of near coma from sheer boredom and had to subsist on bread and water until it was all over. Silence is golden indeed.

Karma Sutra Revisited

Reading an English-language newspaper in India is often frustrating. Even the most respected broadsheets are gossipy and tabloid in tone. I should know, I am a media snob and magazine addict.

Take for example this cliché-ridden gem from the top story in the Times of India last year:
“The gloves were off as the UPA and the Opposition squared off for the July 22 trust vote with the numbers still too close to call and both sides resorting to snatch-and-dash tactics to poach rival MPs, escalating in a ding-dong battle marked by desperate deal-making and breathtaking brinkmanship.”

But it is not all bad. My favourite part of the Mumbai Mirror (a Times of India publication) is a column called “Ask The Sexpert” which I read religiously every day. It is both hysterical and deeply disturbing, exposing, as it does, the depth of ignorance about sex that continues to exist here.

Nevermind the Karma Sutra, reading the inquiries that come in makes it all the more unbelievable that Maharastra (the state where Mumbai is located) has outlawed sex education in schools citing the dangerous potential for moral corruption.

Before you check it out for yourselves, a few of my favourite letters and answers:

I am planning to kiss my girlfriend’s lips without her permission. Can this lead to an infection? She has had sex with another man.

It will lead to either a slap on your face or her enjoying the experience. No other problems.

My husband insists on using tooth paste for lubrication while having sex. Can this prove to be harmful?

If it can clean your teeth, it could help your vagina as well. Why not present him with a tube of KY Jelly for better lubrication? Also, ask him to prolong the foreplay so that you are better lubricated.

What can be the methods of increasing the size of the penis? Also, I am curious to know what are the pleasure points for women when it comes to oral sex. Lastly, please tell me whether dandruff is a symptom for HIV/AIDS.

There are no easy and successful ways to increase the size of the penis. All around the vulva, particularly the clitoris, are a woman’s pleasure points. And dandruff is not a symptom of HIV/AIDS.

Whenever I see a woman wearing flowers in her hair, I get sexually excited. I sometimes buy flowers, smell them and masturbate. I am so fond of this habit, I can’t control myself whenever I see a woman with flowers. Please help me get rid of this.

If that is what makes you happy, carry on. You might stop when you run short of money to buy flowers. When you marry, I am sure your wife will love the gesture.

I am 24 years old, yet I have had no experience of sex. Recently I have started liking my neighbour. She is my friend’s sister-in-law and a mother of two. I am in her good books. Is my affinity towards her wrong?

Haven’t you heard of The Ten Commandments in Christianity? One of them says “Thou shall not covet your neighbour’s wife”. I suggest you follow this to avoid complications.

I am 22 years old. My girlfriend is a year older than me. Is it necessary to have a younger girlfriend? Will it cause problems in our sex life after marriage? What’s the permissable age difference among couples?

You won’t have any problem. Love surpasses all. Age difference up to five years is common.

I am 21 years old. I had sex with my girlfriend. However, we had our clothes on. Can she get pregnant by any chance? We first had sex on the fifth day of her periods, then after five days and then yet again a week later. I didn’t use any protection. She has missed her periods. Please help.

What help can I give? With clothes on, there’s no way for the sperms to gain entry to the vagina. Hence, there is no chance of pregnancy.

And one from today’s paper which must count as one of the best uses of the word “squirting” ever:

I am a 40-year-old man and my partner is 34. We enjoy an extrememly healthy sex life. During foreplay or oral sex, she squirts excessively due to which the bed gets extremely wet. Mostly, we laugh it off. Is there any way of controlling it? She doesn’t know why this happens.

She experiences excessive lubrication as she gets highly aroused. Continue laughing and accept it as part of the pleasure.

Enjoy!

http://www.mumbaimirror.com/index.aspx?page=section&sectid=17&sectxslt=

Wife School Lesson For The Day: Driving in Mumbai in a car with absolutely no mirrors is a blessing in disguise. In this instance, ignorance is bliss.