To Mr B

Please don’t think this is some kind of Valentine’s message because it isn’t. It’s purely coincidence. Think of this as an anti-Valentines if you must.

Mr B rarely reads this blog. I think he is vaguely embarrassed/bemused by it. He normally only reads it if his mum reads it and mentions that he was mentioned in it. And then normally he gets cross. Poor Mr B. He has a hard life but that is what happens when you marry a remedial wife.

Recently, Mr B and I had a conversation that we’ve had several times since I became a trailing spouse. Mr B is of the opinion that he has made life very difficult for me because he uprooted me from my “career” (*cough*cough*) and forced me into a life of boredom, with nothing to fulfill me.  Dragging me all over the world in his wake.

He feels guilty about this.

So let me set the record straight.

Yes, going from being a career woman to a trailing spouse is not an easy transition. It is hard to have no money and nothing to do all day in strange lands.

However, it has also made me get out there to make new friends and find new hobbies, learn new languages, to try to understand new cultures. It has given me time to think about what I want. What I really want to do. What makes me happy and what makes me miserable. It has made me realise work is not the be all and end all. That I am more than a title on a business card. That the world is a small place, getting smaller all the time. That I have to laugh at myself more and find the humour in stressful situations. That I have to look after myself. That I have to make sure Mr B also looks after himself and gets some balance in his life.

Being a trailing spouse has given me self-confidence in subtle and unexpected ways, as well as breaking down a long-held hatred of walking into a room and not knowing anyone.

Let’s not also forget that Mr B has supported me financially and emotionally and been the model of patience on many occasions and my partner-in-adventure everyday.

This is a gift.

My time in Asia has given me my mojo back.

And for that I can’t thank you enough.

Soft landing (more tips for an easy transition to Beijing)

Final thoughts on Beijing:

• Guanxi – if you don’t have an iTouch or iPhone with one of the brilliant taxi card apps, then this handy SMS service will see you heading off in the right direction in at least Beijing and Shanghai. Send the name of the place, street etc you are looking for to 106695882929  and the service will send you a list of options. You select the correct one and can opt to receive the address in Chinese characters.
• Problems with your internet connection? If the problems aren’t related to the fact you’ve been cut off from paying a bill you didn’t know you owed, China Unicom‘s helpline dial 10086 (which is surprisingly helpful) can be accessed in English by hitting option 2. They aim to send someone out same day. On a related note, ask at your bank  and mobile phone provider for the English language helpline number.
• With all the politically sensitive anniversaries in 2009, the escalating row with Google, and proof of the power of Twitter in Iran, the Chinese government is in no mood for chances. Over the last few months the powers that be have been systematically cracking down on the free sites that allow access to the “real”, uncensored internet and social networking sites remain blocked. As an expat count yourself lucky you have access to foreign credit cards and so a way around this. Get thee a VPN provider ASAP. I’ve been impressed with the level of service offered by Witopia who were really helpful when even my VPN  stopped working during the Uighur riots over the summer.
• If you’ll be using the subway or the bus network (and really, why wouldn’t you? It is not difficult) try to get yourself one of the blue, rechargeable IC cards, Beijing’s answer to London’s Oyster card. These can only be bought at special counters in the subway and as often as not there is no-one there. If you hang around, someone will usually materialise. From memory, the card needs a deposit of 20 kuai and then it is up to you how much you add.
• As much as I love Jenny Lou, try to find your local Jingkalong and market and save a bundle on fruit and veg, spices and noodles. It is also a good chance to practice your Chinese, at least the numbers. Inevitably you’ll be something of an attraction and receive free bunches of herbs as gifts. Don’t follow Mr B’s example and fall for very expensive imported fruits, however. Ahem.
• If you can’t find that crucial western foodstuff, try City Shop near the US Embassy. It is pricey but when you are desperate, it is great. Expat urban legend says if you can’t find it anywhere else in the city, it will be here. We found a frozen turkey here on Christmas Eve and thus averted a catastrophe. It is also great for frozen vegetarian food and baby food. Apparently.
• Expat wives in need of career advice can do no better than talk to Sarah Cooper at Cows From My Window. A font of calm and good advice.

A word on etiquette in Beijing’s crowded spaces, notably the subway and lifts (elevators). The unspoken rule for both of these situations is layering. When entering the subway at rush hour, unless you plan to get out at the next station, you should push your way back or towards the middle of the carriage. You’ll notice that approaching each station a shuffling dance ensues whereby those getting off push towards the doors and everyone else steps back. The same in elevators. Push the button for your floor on entering the doors (not when you’ve found an empty spot) and then arrange yourself accordingly. If you want a top floor, you should be standing at the back, if you want a low floor try to stay near the doors.

Finally, and then I’ll go, for an insight into local vs expat tension, check out this recent discussion. Mr B and I can’t decide whether the article is a Chinese attempt at irony or simply aggressive posturing in bad taste but the reactions from the expat and local communities alike are illuminating.

What I’ve learned in Beijing

Well, here’s a post I didn’t think I was going to have to write for a good few years yet.

In any case, here goes:

• The expat community here is open, varied, friendly and extraordinarily willing to help out newbies. Take advantage of this and jump straight in to building yourself a social life, try new hobbies and generally get yourself out of your apart-hotel.
• The expat community here is hard drinking. Very hard drinking. I’ve heard more than one first hand account of expats having to be sent off to rehab after living here for a while.  January seems to be the month of promises to stop. Be sensible and pack an extra liver.
• Be aware that expat postings take a toll on relationships if you are not careful. There are all kinds of temptations in Asia (see above). As an acquaintance of Mr B’s has said, “Beijing is where marriages come to die”. Consider yourself warned.
• All that noisy gobbing up of phlegm bothering you? In a few months, you won’t even notice it. In fact, you may not even notice your partner has taken up the habit until it is too late.
• The rudest expat wives hang out at Lily’s nails on the 3rd floor of 3.3 mall in Sanlitun. Their treatment of Chinese workers there has to be seen to be believed. Disgusting. Also look out for young Russians who bring in their ridiculously pampered pooches. Always something to see at Lily’s.
• Something is seriously wrong with us all when people talk about how you must buy 10 shirts at the clothing market opposite Beijing Zoo because they will only last one wear and should just be disposed of  after one wear rather than washed. Quantity over quality is definitely the Chinese way. And the rest of us are just encouraging it. The madness has to stop!!
• Mandarin is difficult but suck it up. You won’t survive without it. You can however do a huge amount of communicating with just a few words and a lot of miming. You’d be amazed.
• China is indeed a political and economic force to be reckoned with. But don’t believe the hype, or the statistics. It is not there yet. Mr B and I are not convinced that China actually wants responsibility for running things. There remains a level of paranoia here about maintaining control which is going to result in an internal focus first and foremost for a long time.
• Expat life is always about the people, less about the location. The friends you make, the locals you get to know – these are what will make or break your posting.

Mr B and I are really sad to leave Beijing. It’s been a fantastic, enriching, tough, awful, fascinating, fun 9 months. The good has definitely outweighed the bad and under different circumstances we’d be here for a good few years yet. I’m determined to try and keep up my Chinese language skills so who knows, in a few years we might be back…

xie xie Zhong guo! (thanks China!)

PS Are moving companies heavily influenced by culture? Our Indian movers carefully wrapped every single posession we own taking 2 full days to pack us, reflecting that posessions are precious there. Our Chinese movers have been the model of efficiency, packing our flat in around 10 hours.

Xin nian kuai le!*

As the (western, I’ve got used to distinguishing this week) New Year approaches, it seems the thing to do to look back over a pretty crazy year which has seen me living in 3 different countries.

Bad things about 2009:

• By far and away the worst aspect of this year was watching Mr B’s mounting frustration at his Beijing posting. Our decision to leave early was not taken lightly but, under the circumstances, waiting it out would have been fruitless.

• An all-too-brief stay in Mumbai after returning from 6 months of the most hard-core work experience of my life in Jakarta. We miss the tropical weather, M & his family and the craziness of life in India.

Good things about 2009:

• The arrival of my beautiful niece and god-daughter A. And the arrival of lots and lots of gorgeous babies to friends. Before we reach next mid-summer, we know of 6 new arrivals to come – a bumper crop.

• New friends – so many, and what a difference they make. Friends we made in Mumbai and especially those in Beijing have made us feel at home and given us lots of laughs and memories. In many ways, I feel happier in Beijing than in Mumbai – there is so much going on here. It is true that for expat wives finding friends who you can trust and share problems with is invaluable.

• Getting an insight into arguably the most important country of this century. And having a chance to get to know some of the language, tortuous as it has been.

I’m not sure I’ve improved as a wife this year. Does it count that I tried? I’ve certainly cooked more and for a few months of the year have even earned my keep!

2010 brings another new posting – this time to Brussels in mid-January. Mr B & I met in Brussels. We have a lot of good friends still living there, we know enough French to muddle through, and we pretty much know how things work. Plus I’ll be able to get back to work, in theory. It should all be good, right?

2009 has been a hectic but fascinating year.

Wishing everyone a happy 2010! Thanks for reading.

* Happy new year!

Some Hard Truths about working in China – hints & tips

When I attended my first expat wives coffee morning here, one of the most heated topics of discussion was the treatment of expat husbands in the Chinese workplace.

Not so much in terms of support from corporate HQ, although that came up, (congrats Microsoft, your HR support for accompanying families and working spouses is the only one I’ve heard consistently good things about) but the day to day reality. The overwhelming sense was one of bewilderment.

Of course, adjusting expectations and battling to understand complex behavioural norms is a fact of life for expats. Add a language barrier and you have yourself a situation.

Neither is it fair to say every expat working here has an awful time. Everyone has come here for the opportunity to work in the most important market of the 21st century. Most love it. Some never leave. But almost everyone will also admit to some serious frustrations at one point or another.

I’m not going to touch on the issue of “face” or table manners or how to present business cards. What follows is based on raw observation and feedback from the coal face – tips from anecdotes heard over the past 6 months:

• Start learning Mandarin – you can have an interpreter (and sometimes this is a useful negotiating tactic during meetings with clients) but they will always edit and you won’t gain as much respect as if you have a go;
• However, make sure it is clear from the outset to HQ and the local team that language ability does not happen overnight and, in the vast majority of cases, that’s not why expat workers have been bought in;
• Insist on a foreign line manager – a truth universally acknowledged in Beijing is that reporting to a Chinese boss does not work, leading to massive stress and resentment on both sides which often filters back to HQ. If you can’t, insist on having a liaison at HQ (NOT someone in HR);
• Likewise, understand that for most Chinese, having a foreign boss is like a slap in the face. While it will never be acknowleged publicly, the view is that expat workers are lazy and spoiled and completely unecessary. Maybe they are. More often than not, you will be resented. See point 1;
• Understand that while most Chinese employees will get a kick out of being invited into your home, trying western food and drink, hearing western music etc, it is almost always done out of politesse and will last a very short time. One woman I met spoke of preparing for hours before her team came for a drinks party, only to have them arrive en masse and leave after 30 mins.
• The office hierarchy is unspoken but strict. If you manage to make real Chinese friends at the office, count your blessings, it is extremely rare and will probably consist of Chinese who have studied abroad;
• Yes, at some point expect to be presented with bizarre foods and plenty of booze. And yes, it is a test of your manhood;
• Get used to finding 15 different ways to explain something – short and simple is best;
• After handing out instructions, set a deadline for the team to come to you and ask questions. If you don’t, you may find that when you check in on progress days later, team members are still struggling to understand what needs to be done or discussing it amongst themselves;
• Don’t be surprised if after a team discussion about a task where no one appears to have immediate questions or concerns, a team member is appointed by his/her fellows to come to you with questions. Understand that culturally, this is extremely hard for the person in question;
• Don’t be surprised if you receive negative appraisal/feedback on your performance. Remember the Chinese education system is based on trying to shame pupils into good habits and on fierce competition where all tactics are considered valid. Try not to take it personally but above all manage it with HQ – if you work with teams in other offices, insist on feedback from them to provide a more balanced perspective;
• Get used to resentful colleagues sending emails directly to your boss, with you in CC, for all manner of petty issues. These normally revolve around the fact you have refused to do your colleague’s work for them. Emailing up is a daily occurrence, it seems.
• Take a look at Sam Goodman’s Top 10 Tips

Forewarned is forearmed, right?

Home is where the heart is.

Some random observations from being home for the first time in 18 months:

• London is very, very grey and very, very sombre and the streets seem ridiculously narrow. And empty. As much as China might be reeling from the recession, in London it is startlingly apparent that everyone is very grimly hanging on;
• I have missed the casual way Brits slip in terms of endearment when talking to strangers – love, dear, sweetheart, darling – a verbal welcome home;
• God the British accent is strong! Such strange sounds after Mandarin. I didn’t realise just how “internationalised” my accent has become until Mr B laughed at me for slipping back to my roots;
• Globalisation is alive and well when I hear Mandarin being spoken all around the UK, even down where my parents live, a place not exactly known for its multiculturalism;
• Why are the British obsessed with insurance? Why are there so many bad insurance ads on TV? Was it always like this? Why is the country obsessed with meerkats? Simples;
• You can tell you’ve been living in India when loud complaints from passengers to bus drivers make Mr B and I laugh – if a Mumbai bus driver had missed a stop, passengers would be handing out slaps instead of sarcastic comments;
• Compared to Mandarin, trying to get myself understood in French is a doddle;
• Really? Everyone is actually going to vote in a Tory govt? Scary times ahead whoever wins, I guess, given the level of public debt;
• I love the English countryside, despite Mr B’s disparaging comments that the UK landscape is tame – it is so green;
• Being able to drink water straight from the tap without thinking about it is now a novelty. As is being understood every time I open my mouth and knowing, without thinking, how things work in day to day life;
• I miss quorn and Linda McCartney pies;
• Of course, the only people actually spending money at Prada and Harrods at Heathrow were Chinese;
• We have fabulous friends.

Interestingly, unlike after our August visit to Mr B’s home, I’m not culture shocked.  In fact I’m glad to be back. Could this be because we’ve passed the 6 month marker?

In The Family Way

As the country gets more prosperous, it seems that the One Child policy is coming under enormous pressure.

China Daily reported a few months ago on how a growing number of women are choosing to give birth in Hong Kong (as a Special Administrative Region, it’s not considered “real” China) as a way around the permit needed to give birth under current regulations.

More couples than ever can now afford to pay the huge fine (10 times the annual average per capita income of the area in which they reside).

To clamp down on this, the government is trying new methods, primarily shaming and stopping prominent businessmen from being able to bid for government contracts.

This is interesting not only for the fact that shame is still an effective way to change behaviour in China (works in just the opposite way in the UK  where any kind of attention for bad behaviour is likely to catapult you into the tabloids, get you a chat show and a perfume) but also for the fact that the policy has survived for so long.

The international media (originally the FT but also the BBC and NYT amongst others) has picked up on a similar story, focusing on moves in Shanghai to allow selected categories of couples to have two children. The categories are fascinating of themselves and include:

• couples who are themselves only children.
• couples where a spouse is a fisherman who has been at sea for 5 years (really).

The reason given by the Shanghai government is the same as France’s post-WW2 policy of rewarding large families: a rapidly growing elderly populace and the need for more workers of tomorrow. It is not at all a sign of some kind of thaw in China’s One Child policy across the rest of Mainland China.

While Remedial Wife doesn’t agree with the massive intrusion into one’s reproductive choices by the state here or anywhere, she does think that the planet is at bursting point and that thinking seriously about the consequences of over-population is a good thing.