Xin nian kuai le!*

As the (western, I’ve got used to distinguishing this week) New Year approaches, it seems the thing to do to look back over a pretty crazy year which has seen me living in 3 different countries.

Bad things about 2009:

• By far and away the worst aspect of this year was watching Mr B’s mounting frustration at his Beijing posting. Our decision to leave early was not taken lightly but, under the circumstances, waiting it out would have been fruitless.

• An all-too-brief stay in Mumbai after returning from 6 months of the most hard-core work experience of my life in Jakarta. We miss the tropical weather, M & his family and the craziness of life in India.

Good things about 2009:

• The arrival of my beautiful niece and god-daughter A. And the arrival of lots and lots of gorgeous babies to friends. Before we reach next mid-summer, we know of 6 new arrivals to come – a bumper crop.

• New friends – so many, and what a difference they make. Friends we made in Mumbai and especially those in Beijing have made us feel at home and given us lots of laughs and memories. In many ways, I feel happier in Beijing than in Mumbai – there is so much going on here. It is true that for expat wives finding friends who you can trust and share problems with is invaluable.

• Getting an insight into arguably the most important country of this century. And having a chance to get to know some of the language, tortuous as it has been.

I’m not sure I’ve improved as a wife this year. Does it count that I tried? I’ve certainly cooked more and for a few months of the year have even earned my keep!

2010 brings another new posting – this time to Brussels in mid-January. Mr B & I met in Brussels. We have a lot of good friends still living there, we know enough French to muddle through, and we pretty much know how things work. Plus I’ll be able to get back to work, in theory. It should all be good, right?

2009 has been a hectic but fascinating year.

Wishing everyone a happy 2010! Thanks for reading.

* Happy new year!

Working Girl?

I was asked recently by a reader whether or not expat wives can work in Beijing. The answer is “yes, but”…Let me explain.

If you speak to women who’ve been trailing spouses in China for a while, some of them will tell you they were given an automatic work visa along with their husbands upon entry into China.  That’s certainly what I was told but alas it has proved untrue.

The combination of the 60th anniversary (which raised feelings of invincibility to a whole new level here) and the recession have meant the Chinese government sees less and less need for foreign workers. I’ve been told anecdotally that work visas generally are now much harder to come by, with companies having to provide a lot more detailed evidence of why they want to hire a foreign worker over a Chinese one. Information from the Chinese government on this point is often conflicting and unclear.

If you want to find work here it is possible. Many expat wives set up their own businesses to ensure a portable career. Others decide to start a family. Others find companies willing to take them on under the table (albeit for a token wage – think around EUROs 150-300 a month), and others trawl around for freelance work, the favourites being writing/editing and teaching English. A very good place to start and to seek up-to-the-minute advice is the excellent VIVA network which holds monthly networking meetings and is run by seasoned expat business women. I’d also recommend the national chambers of commerce, specialist Beijing-based groups on LinkedIn and alumni associations.

All of this brings me to the bigger topic of what happens when working women become expat wives. I know from personal experience it is not at all an easy transition to make. Whatever the benefits of taking time out, don’t let anyone tell you there is no loss of identity involved in becoming a tai-tai. Speaking personally, loss of financial independence is a big part of this. I’ve seen firsthand how it can make expat women here in Beijing incredibly lonely, depressed and angry, and take a huge toll on marriages.

There have been a couple of very interesting stories in the media here about this phenomenon over the last few weeks. I’m linking them here so those who are new to this odd trailing spouse life know they are not alone, and more importantly, that there is help out there. Get thee to an expat coffee morning!

Some Hard Truths about working in China – hints & tips

When I attended my first expat wives coffee morning here, one of the most heated topics of discussion was the treatment of expat husbands in the Chinese workplace.

Not so much in terms of support from corporate HQ, although that came up, (congrats Microsoft, your HR support for accompanying families and working spouses is the only one I’ve heard consistently good things about) but the day to day reality. The overwhelming sense was one of bewilderment.

Of course, adjusting expectations and battling to understand complex behavioural norms is a fact of life for expats. Add a language barrier and you have yourself a situation.

Neither is it fair to say every expat working here has an awful time. Everyone has come here for the opportunity to work in the most important market of the 21st century. Most love it. Some never leave. But almost everyone will also admit to some serious frustrations at one point or another.

I’m not going to touch on the issue of “face” or table manners or how to present business cards. What follows is based on raw observation and feedback from the coal face – tips from anecdotes heard over the past 6 months:

• Start learning Mandarin – you can have an interpreter (and sometimes this is a useful negotiating tactic during meetings with clients) but they will always edit and you won’t gain as much respect as if you have a go;
• However, make sure it is clear from the outset to HQ and the local team that language ability does not happen overnight and, in the vast majority of cases, that’s not why expat workers have been bought in;
• Insist on a foreign line manager – a truth universally acknowledged in Beijing is that reporting to a Chinese boss does not work, leading to massive stress and resentment on both sides which often filters back to HQ. If you can’t, insist on having a liaison at HQ (NOT someone in HR);
• Likewise, understand that for most Chinese, having a foreign boss is like a slap in the face. While it will never be acknowleged publicly, the view is that expat workers are lazy and spoiled and completely unecessary. Maybe they are. More often than not, you will be resented. See point 1;
• Understand that while most Chinese employees will get a kick out of being invited into your home, trying western food and drink, hearing western music etc, it is almost always done out of politesse and will last a very short time. One woman I met spoke of preparing for hours before her team came for a drinks party, only to have them arrive en masse and leave after 30 mins.
• The office hierarchy is unspoken but strict. If you manage to make real Chinese friends at the office, count your blessings, it is extremely rare and will probably consist of Chinese who have studied abroad;
• Yes, at some point expect to be presented with bizarre foods and plenty of booze. And yes, it is a test of your manhood;
• Get used to finding 15 different ways to explain something – short and simple is best;
• After handing out instructions, set a deadline for the team to come to you and ask questions. If you don’t, you may find that when you check in on progress days later, team members are still struggling to understand what needs to be done or discussing it amongst themselves;
• Don’t be surprised if after a team discussion about a task where no one appears to have immediate questions or concerns, a team member is appointed by his/her fellows to come to you with questions. Understand that culturally, this is extremely hard for the person in question;
• Don’t be surprised if you receive negative appraisal/feedback on your performance. Remember the Chinese education system is based on trying to shame pupils into good habits and on fierce competition where all tactics are considered valid. Try not to take it personally but above all manage it with HQ – if you work with teams in other offices, insist on feedback from them to provide a more balanced perspective;
• Get used to resentful colleagues sending emails directly to your boss, with you in CC, for all manner of petty issues. These normally revolve around the fact you have refused to do your colleague’s work for them. Emailing up is a daily occurrence, it seems.
• Take a look at Sam Goodman’s Top 10 Tips

Forewarned is forearmed, right?

When it’s good, it’s good, when it’s s*^t, it’s s*^t

Things, dear readers, are not going so well here out East. Sadly, because nothing is truly anonymous in this interconnected world I can’t go into details. Suffice it to say that the Recession is a cruel mistress. She makes short-term thinking a fact of life.

Storm clouds on the horizon mean that this expat wife is now rapidly trying to find a job 5 months earlier than planned. Frankly the best paying job she can find. As long as it happens in the next couple of months. No time now to fill out slightly fluffy self-evaluation forms trying to uncover “values to focus me on doing what I love”. No time now for expensive expat wife focused portable career solutions As well meaning as they are, they won’t put bread on the table.

Remedial Wife has enjoyed her time “off” but as her name suggests, she was never entirely suited to a life of indolence.

I have, I’ve discovered, a vast natural reserve of sloth. Being an expat wife has only brought this out in unflattering ways. Maybe this is the silver lining in the current dark, dark storm cloud.

The truth is Remedial Wife would like Mr B to become the trailing one and take some time out. To have the shoe on the other foot. To have him deal with  trying to talk to the ayi through mime, to sleep in, to be suddenly brightened by an afternoon in a wonderful park. To go tea tasting because it sounds fun. Most of all to unknot his shoulders.

The reality is that already being on the ground, an expat salary ain’t going to happen.

The truth is that when expat life goes bad, unless you have been stationed wherever you are for a good chunk of time, you feel very alone. And very panicked. And very sad.

It’s at times like these that you burst with gratitude for patient, wonderful friends in other time zones who help guide you through the storm. And for new friends in town who offer as much advice as possible and offer funny anecdotes and words of encouragement and boozy dinners with lots of laughter.

* with thanks for the title of the post to T who never spoke a truer word and who also deserves a great new job.

Salaam Bombay (or what I’ve learned from Mumbai)

I hate goodbyes. Even when I want to leave somewhere, saying goodbye to friends and familiarity is not pleasant.

And I absolutely, definitely, do NOT want to leave Mumbai.

But needs must, and a global recession can be used as justification for just about anything these days, n’est-ce pas? It is a shame the internet is not truly anonymous so that I could indulge in a good old-fashioned rant about having to leave this fair city. Ah the tales I could tell as an outraged expat wife right now.

I digress.

Being enrolled in the Bombay section of Wife School for the last year has taught me some valuable lessons which I thought I might share:

• Patience – part one -  looking back at how frustrated I got during my first few months is almost like watching someone else. I don’t know at which point I finally understood and accepted that getting anything done here is a never-ending process rather than an endgame but thank God that happened. I’m much calmer and less teary/hysterical now when Mr B gets home from work. He is much relieved too. Of course, having the indomitable M around to help out is no small part of this.
• How to say no - mostly to beggars and hawkers. Again, there is a point at which you learn the correct head and hand gestures to show disinterest. And off they go to bother someone else. Mumbai hawkers can spot a tourist from 10 miles out, I’m sure of it. I only hope this does not mean I am less compassionate for the destitute….
• Indian head waggle – I fear it is going to stick around for a while. It is just so damn catchy. Mr B is a regular addict of the head waggle. Especially on the phone.
• Hinglish – I now catch myself regularly saying things like, “Mr B is liking butter chicken too much,” or “I’m here only”. Mr B has taken to saying “aacha” (OK, fine, good) A LOT.
• How to cross the road in under 20 minutes – Japanese expats are offered lessons in this by moving companies upon arrival in Mumbai. Seriously. Driving in the city has helped a lot with mastering this skill. And there is a method in the apparent chaos and madness, I promise.
• Staring – for the first month or so it freaked me out. The stare seemed so threatening. Then I realised it was just sheer curiousity. Indians are unabashedly curious (Accident? Must stop and have a look. Big machine digging hole in road? Cue for crowd to gather expectantly). Next, I realised that I stared at people just as much as they were staring at me. And a lot of the time I’m taking pictures which is actually pretty rude. Next time you’re in the supermarket or walking down the street minding your own business,imagine some foreign idiot snapping away. That’s me here. I’m not going to stop, but I try to be more sensitive and discreet about it now. Ahem.
• Patience - part two – if you can wait it out, a solution will present itself. If it doesn’t, send Mr B in to get shouty. It is a role he has come to relish.
• Patience - part three – the realisation that, as M says, “this is India madam, all things are possible”

Amen to that.

Thank you Mumbai. I love you!

PS Of course the driving license saga is not yet over. I’ve now passed 2 tests and due to a screw up by the driving school who did not pay the proper fees on time, I apparently now have to come back on 7th May to process the license. And probably do another test. I’m resigned to this. At least nice 3-star officer has promised to process my paperwork personally upon return. Only small problem with this is I will be in Beijing by then…what to do? Start all over again in China? Is this a sign that I am just not meant to drive (legally) ever???????